It’s Joe. Happy Hump day! It’s a dreary cold, ugly day here in NJ and it’s days like this where I have to remind myself that up there somewhere, behind the clouds and the dark skies is the sun and that sometime soon the sun will appear again as it always does.
Its hard to believe that isn’t it? When there’s no “sun” in sight and everything around you is bleak and dreary it’s hard to believe that things will get better.
I get it.
You know I’m often asked why I walked away from a career in Chiropractic to help others find love.
For fourteen years I struggled in my love life. I went from one dead end relationship to another. And because I was so desperate to get married and have a son of my own (b/c my dad died when I was 15 and there was a huge void in my life) I wound up getting engaged to a woman I should have never started a relationship with.
And that relationship almost destroyed me.
Have you ever given your all to a person who told you how committed they were to you, how they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you?
Well imagine finding out just 28 days before walking down the aisle that they were lying to you and them self.
Imagine going to your mailbox and receiving responses from your friends and family, some of whom were flying in for your wedding and then having to call those people a few minutes after receiving their response to and tell them the wedding was off.
I remember those days as if they were yesterday. But I also remember how quickly things can turn around.
One of the greatest gifts I learned from my mom is that everything happens for a reason and sometimes those reasons never make sense, but the Universe will never give you something that you can’t handle.
My mother was an example of how things could turn around. My mom buried my dad when she was just 41 years old.But she never sat around feeling sorry for herself. And even though the next few years were tough for her, she always met life head on. And what’s cool about her story is that a few years after she became a widow she met another amazing MAN (They’ve now been
married 26 years) .
And I remember how quickly things turned around. How after making a few small changes I was able to find the relationship I was really looking for.
My mom was an example that I could find love again. So after my ex and I broke up I decided that I was going to learn from my past and use it as a catalyst to find the relationship I really wanted.
People often ask me what the secret it is to finding an amazing relationship and theanswer I give them isn’t what they are looking for.
It’s too simple, they want some complicated explanation.
Because that’s what we do in life isn’t it? We make things so much more complicated than they need to be. The answers are usually so simple…
Want to lose more weight? Eat better and exercise regularly!
Want to save money? Don’t spend more than you make!
Want to have a fulfilling career? Don’t stay in a job you hate just for the paycheck.
Want a great relationship…don’t get involved with assholes!
You see, the reasons we tend to make things more complicated than they need to be is that we believe it has to be complicated reason.
And because we want to believe it is complicated we come up with a ton of excuses to prove to ourselves (and others) how hard things are.
I’ll be the first to admit that there area lot of things, a ton of things, that I don’t know much about. And there are even more things that I don’t really care about.
But one of the things I love, one of the things that lights me up is helping others make sense of the whole Love and Relationships thing.
Because believe it or not it doesn’t have to be that complicated and the only reason it appears complicated is because you are unknowingly making it more complicated than it needs to be.
And it’s not your fault. No one ever taught you how easy it can be. Now one ever showed you that creating an awesome relationship doesn’t have to be like having a root canal.
Maybe it’s because your parents sucked and you didn’t have role models to show you what a healthy relationship looked like. Maybe it’s because your parents so were caught up in their own stuff that they totally messed up self worth and self esteem causing you to look for love in unhealthy ways. Maybe it’s because you had good parents but they never taught you the ins and outs of what it took to create a relationship that lasts.
Or, maybe that it’s because deep down you don’t feel your worthy so you seek a guy’s love, attention or approval to feel good about yourself
So, when someone asks me what the secret is to having an amazing relationship I give them a simple answer, the same answer I’m gonna give you.
The secret to having an amazing relationship, one that rocks your world in and out of the bedroom is….YOU!
You see it is not what you do but it is who you are being that ultimately determines the quality of your relationship.
And I know that’s hard to digest. Because you think (and want to believe ) that it is something else.
You want to believe that it’s something that you’re not doing. You wan to believe that you need to read some books, watch more videos and make some changes (physical or emotional) before a guy will want to commit his life to you.
And just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, you’re looking everywhere other than where the answer is, right there at your feet.
But you want it to be more complicated than that. You want to give away your POWER. You want to blame your parents, your ex and all the “boys” you’ve ever dated who screwed you over instead of looking in the mirror and admitting that maybe, just maybe you may be playing a role in your struggles.
And instead of taking some Mirror Time and getting to the real cause of your problems you want to come up with all of the reasons and excuses as to why you’re still single.
Things such as…
- There are no good men out there and the good ones are all taken or gay
- Men can’t commit
- Guys only care about getting laid
- I don’t know where to go to meet a good guy
- If I don’t have immediate chemistry it’ll never work
- I have to work on myself first
- I’m afraid of getting hurt again
- There are no good men that live in my area
And I know right now that this is pissing you off. And I understand.Because if someone would have told me that I was the cause of my relationship problems after my engagement ended I would have gotten real pissed off.
Because at that time I had given 110% to that relationship. I did everything I could, possibly do to make her happy and make the relationship work, including putting my needs and my desires on the back burner.
So it couldn’t have been my fault.
But what I ultimately realized is that I picked the wrong person. And I tried to have a happy relationship with someone who couldn’t give me what I needed.
And I stayed with that person and I tried to make it work for three miserable years because I was afraid to admit the truth…I was the cause of my problems.
That was the bad news but it was also the good news. Because if I was the source of what was wrong than I could learn to be the source of what was right.That realization changed my life and it helped me to find the love of my life (and I believe it can do the same for you!)
So, today I’d like to invite you to take some Mirror Time, some serious Mirror Time. And I want you to step back and look back over your love life as if you were an observer. And I want you to see what role you have may have played in things not working out in your love life.
- Do you tend to go after guys who look great on the outside but who are assh*oles on the inside? Do you jump into relationships too quickly?
- Do you stay way too long?
- Are you so afraid of being alone and not finding the love you’re really looking for that you tend to settle (like I did)? or have you been so hurt in the past, that you have put up walls that even superman couldn’t penetrate?
You see, you can read all the books you want. You can watch all the videos, search all the blogs and listen to all the Love Gurus but the answer to everything you’re seeking is right there at your feet.
You don’t have to worry about the “HOW” that is not your job. That is the job of the Universe. If you would have told me how I would have met my wife (we met online) I would have laughed in your face.
You see, the Universe is a giant GPS system trying to guide you and support you on your journey but it can’t help you if you turn it off or ignore its guidance.
And what’s cool about the GPS for Love is that it is always on. No matter how many wrong turns you make. No matter how many times you ignore it because you think you know a better way. It’s always there to guide you.
And that’s one of the hardest things about your journey. You think you know better. You think you “know” who is right for you and you’re afraid to trust the GPS.
But the truth is that once you do, the journey becomes much easier.