Ask Dr. Joe – Am I too focused on looks?

Hi Joe,

I don’t have a problem attracting men, but my pattern is to go after the “pretty boy.” I have always been this way. I ended up marrying one and was married for 11 years. I am now single and find myself getting to know men that are very attractive. How can I or should I get past what a person looks like and get to know them first? Don’t I have to be physically attracted to them to have any kind of relationship with them?

Shelli

Hi Shelli,

thanks for your question. You bring up something that is very common for a lot of single women. As human beings we are very visual creatures, and the world we live in often stresses how important the physical appearance is.

You say you have no problem attracting men and that tend to go after the “pretty boys.” my question to you is, how has this been working for you in your life? Do you find that you are meeting the quality of men that you are looking for? Do these pretty boys bring you joy and happiness consistently in your relationships with them? Or or do they tend leave you feeling empty and with a broken heart?

If you’re going to be in a relationship with a guy you absolutely have to be attracted to him. But realize this, looks simply open up the door. It is the essence of a man, who he is as a person and how he treat you as his partner that will ultimately determine how happy and fulfilled you are in your relationship with him.

Now if going after the pretty boys, causes you to be with men who have great looking packages, but who come up short on the contents you might want to reconsider your level of physical standards.

I have three suggestions that will help you in finding an attractive guy who  who will also give you all of the other things that you’re looking for so that you can have the guy who is satisfying to both your eyes and your heart.

1)  Get clear on your Checklist for Love – if you’re going to be in a committed relationship with a guy you must know what is it that you must have in order for you to be happy and fulfilled. Physical attraction is simply one of the boxes on your Checklist for Love. Once you are clear on what is on your list it will be easy to recognize when a guy has all of the things which are important to you.

The important thing in designing your checklist for love is to understand the difference between the things you want vs. the things you need. Generally, the Checklist for Love, has 10 or fewer items. If you find in making your list, then you have more than 10 it means you need to learn how to differentiate between what you want and what you need.

2) Learn How to Date – from this point out, consider dating as a probation period. It is your job to date a guy to see if he is even worth being in a relationship with. Give yourself an arbitrary period of time, it could be five dates, five weeks for five months. It really makes no difference. But what is important, is that you use this period of time to get to know a guy. This will help you to focus not only on the attraction, but also on those other important qualities that you must have in order for you to be happy and fulfilled.

3) Postpone Sex – just like physical attraction, sexual chemistry and compatibility is in an essential component of a relationship. However, for many women having sex too soon tends to cloud their judgment and lose their sense of objectivity. If you’re the type of woman who has a hard time separating your emotions from sex, it would serve you well to wait a little while before having sex with a guy you’re interested in. You can have sex during the probation period, just make sure it’s towards the end.

Following these guidelines will help you get to know a guy without focusing only on his looks.

Hope this helps!

Much Love,

Joe

One thought on “Ask Dr. Joe – Am I too focused on looks?

  1. Thanks Joe,

    This makes a lot of sense. As always, you have very sound advice.

    Shelli

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