Another Broken Heart….

 

I recently had a conversation with a member of the GPS for Love community which broke my heart. I must confess, it wasn’t the first time I’ve had one of these conversations, but this time it really affected me.                                         

She told how much she had on common with this guy and how he was “everything” she was looking for, but the problem was, this guy wasn’t making her happy.

And everything we began to focus on, how he was giving her the love she was looking for, she would try to redirect the conversation and come up with all the excuses, stories and rationalizations about why she “loved” him.

The reason it broke my heart is because I know this woman will continue to waste her precious time on a guy who will never give her the love she is looking for.

This woman is intelligent, attractive, sweet, funny and has a huge heart. From a man’s perspective, she is the total package! Any man who has her in his life would be one lucky guy.

But the one thing this woman doesn’t have is courage.

Even though she knows the truth (this guy isn’t giving her the love she is looking for) she isn’t willing to face it. Even though she knows she is the one putting 100% into the relationship and she’s getting crumbs in return, she isn’t brave enough to walk away.

And it breaks my heart because one of two things are going to happen….

  1. She’s going to invest more time with this guy and one day she is going to wake up realizing she’s wasted her precious time on a guy that was never able to give her the love she really wanted. And then she’ll end it once and for all. **NOTE** She’s tried to walk away a few times before, but each time she always went back.
  2. She’s going to stay with this guy for the rest of her life, and when she gets to the end of her journey, she’s going to going to look back with regret because she never was able to experience the love she really wanted (i.e. she settled).

One way or the other she’s going to have regrets, because she was never able to experience the love that she says she wanted.

The sad the truth is that this guy is not going to give her the love she’s looking for. Not today, not tomorrow, next week, next year! NEVER!

I know it, you know it and she knows it. She just doesn’t want to accept it. At least not yet!

That’s why it breaks my heart! I’ve seen more times than you can imagine. It breaks my heart is because it doesn’t have to be this way!

I know what is possible when one is willing to give up the good to go for the great. I know how easy a relationships can be when you pick the right person…for the right reasons. Not only because I was able to make it happen for myself, but because I have helped others learn how to make it happen also.

You see, creating a great relationship doesn’t have to be this hard and difficult process filled with tons of painful experiences.

Yes, for many of us, the journey to finding the love we’re looking for is often filled with pain and heartbreak, but that’s often because we make choices and decisions from a place of fear

Just like this woman.

It was clear that she is going to keep investing in this relationship because at the deepest level she is afraid. But instead of facing her fear and dealing with it, it is easier for her to run from it and back into her unhappy, toilet bowl relationship.

Please understand that it is not my intention to make this woman wrong. You see, it is her journey, and at the end of the day she is responsible for the results of her choices and decisions, those she makes and those she doesn’t make.

One day she is going to be on her death bed and she is going to either have a smile on her face or regret in her heart.

I’m sharing this because if there is one person in the GPS for Love community who can learn from this experience and not make the same mistake, then the conversation between this woman and me would have been worth it.

I also want you to share your experience, in a way that might shine light for the other members of the GPS for Love community who may be in a similar situation in their love life.

Have you invested your time with a guy who was not giving you the love (and relationship) you really wanted? Did you make excuses for him and his behavior because you were too afraid to admit the truth?

Were there red flags? If so, did you miss them? Or did you see them but chose to ignore them?

If you were to give advice to the woman I had the conversation with, what would it be?

I’d love it if you’d scroll down and share your comments. It may not reach this woman, but it may reach someone else who will benefit from your insight and experience.

Thanks for being a part of the GPS for Love community!

Have a blessed day!

Much Love,
Joe
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17 thoughts on “Another Broken Heart….

  1. Mel says:

    Yes, I was the one that went back to him over and over. His behavior would improve for a while but I finally realized that that behavior was instilled in him and he was not could never change. I made excuses for him feeling he needed the adulation and attention because he was not nurtured by his mother as a child. I remember the 1st red flag and I kick myself now for not running at that time. I would tell that woman that she needs to take a really good look at her self-esteem. I always thought I was confident and had a healthy level of self-esteem but I recently learned that for me to lower my standards and fulfill my partners needs without him fulfilling mine was because I actually lacked self-esteem. This was my “ah-ha” moment so now I am very much aware and will continue to work on my self-confidence. Btw, your statement about being on her death bed with either a smile or regret has impacted me. I printed that paragraph and have it posted on my desk to remind me that I have control of what life I want to have with a partner.

    • Thanks for Sharing Melissa! I am glad you were able to find your truth and realize that no matter how much you love a guy you can’t get more from him than he has the ability (and wiliness) to give!

  2. Claire says:

    Oh, I am one of these women and had excuses for all my ex boyfriends. Worst of all with 2 violent guys, one after the other. I needed 4 years to realize what’s going on. Now I’m 57 and single…still working on my self-esteem and self-love.

    • Claire, what did you learn from your past experiences with your ex-boyfriends and how can you use it to help you find the love you’re looking for…and deserve!

  3. Charlotte says:

    Thank you Joe. I completely understand where this woman is at. Low self-esteem and fear that this might be as good as it gets and if she leaves him, she’ll not get another chance at love. I was married for 25 years. Still am technically – divorce is starting soon. I knew 10 years ago that we needed to call it quits, but I stayed for all the reasons you hear: children, no income of my own, he’ll change, no one will want me cuz I’m too old, from a religious standpoint I’m bad for wanting out because I said until death do us part, the sex is still good yet that was the only way we connected, etc. It took me those 10 years to work thru every mindset (believe system) that kept me stuck in an unfulfilling marriage. I’m glad you know it isn’t your responsibility to get her “to see”. It takes what it takes for each and every individual. You keep doing what you’re doing Joe. I appreciate your perspective.

  4. Tonya says:

    nd another…
    When woman is more in love than her lover it is even more difficult. Your letter helped me see my relationship with a more objective viewpoint and I can’t believe some of the things that I didn’t a knowledge as red flags, but remember them from the sick feelings in my stomach.Thank you for this. Wish I could say more now, but I’ll work on my thinking

  5. karen says:

    Q: I am divorced for 11 years, single parent of 4 (22, 18, 15 x2 (twins). I experienced I believe a soul mate connection 6 years ago that ended after 1 year. I’ve not felt the same connection with fellows I’ve met dating in the last 6 years. I am currently getting to know a man that has many positive qualities and integrity. He is nice, generous, kind, nice sense of humor, makes me a priority, active, though I do not feel physical attraction. I don’t feel the passionate connection physical or emotional with him. My kids want me to like him so I won”t be lonely or alone. I am a young 63 year old. I’ve lived many, many years without physical and emotional intimacy (including marriage) so I deeply want to have a passionate life-partner. I do not live in a metropolitan city….I do not want to settle….or give up. I know I have much to offer in a relationship! (I am off-line dating, exhausted of the experience. Not really interested in doing online again. It feels I get the same unsuccessful results.) Should I continue to see if attraction develops with this man?
    Do you have advice? karen

    • Kristina says:

      Hi Karen, from my experience..if there is no attraction in the first 5 dates or until you will not feel well around this issue with this guy, then maybe it will never be there. Something very important will be missing in the relationship.

  6. Kristina says:

    Thank you, Joe. “This guy is not going to give her the love she’s looking for. ”
    I have been struggling with the knowledge whether he is able to give me what my heart desires or not. It is a total confusion (I had been manipulated into this confusion, additional). I was stuck to make any decisions. And I started to keep the relationship going. I would be able to have the courage to leave if I knew for sure that he is not able to give me what I am looking for. I always decided to leave because of the red flags and the negative feelings I feel around the guy. Still, I am not sure what does it mean to receive the relationship my heart yearns for. (I have read that until one has not met it, one will not know).
    As an advice to the woman: in those confusion times I tried to learn to love myself more. Love myself more than wanting to do it to me: experiencing red flags-behavior by the guy and suffer the negative emotions (frustration, depression, anger..).

    First, I struggle with recognition that the relationship is not a good one for me:
    There are 3 ways how I learn to recognize the guys who can break my heart, who cannot give me the love I want and deserve (I learn from Joe).
    1) Intuition (something is odd) – it is so difficult to listen to it, as there is no rationality
    2) How I feel (depression, frustration, anger…) : Joe writes about it
    3) Red flags
    Often, it truly takes lots of time and hard work until I collect sufficient information (evidence, like a police detective for me) that the guy fits it as the emotional unavailable, the guy that cannot give me the relationship I want. It takes me often way too long time as I would love to.

    Second thing I struggle is whether it is ok to leave (a guy that is telling me that I will never meet anybody better, that I am destroying love, the great relationship). The guilt/shame feeling that I am depriving myself of love. That I am breaking down the poor guy who clings to me and does not want me to leave. In fact, giving myself the permission to do it anyway.
    I am very bad at it. Maybe it is the time to remember myself that I love myself more than a guy who makes me feel bad, feel worse (usually I am better without him)…as I cannot recognize whether he gives me the love I deserve (maybe because I never received it, so it is truly hard to make a comparison). I can only compare to my own self-love, self-acceptance, self-compassion.
    Being with a guy who cannot give me the relationship that I want requires going through all this process, healing from the heart break…..(in my situation, it lead to a chronic physical disease).
    It only gets better, the recovery is faster when one is faster out of there: I understand: my job is to get away, say STOP. I must preserve myself.

    • Kristina,

      the answers you will seek will come to you by understanding your choices and decisions. Those who do not learn from their past are those who are destined to repeat it.

  7. JJ says:

    I, too, was in the same type of relationship. I always felt that I didn’t get the same love in return. Not that I was looking for equal love but one that isn’t so obviously lopsided.

    After breaking up and getting back together, which can be emotionally exhausting, I found myself telling my close friends that I am miserable with him but more miserable without him. That is not how love should feel. What surprised me more is that my ex wasn’t so hurt when I told him how I felt about us. After another lie discovered from his past, I decided that I MUST end this. I took the desperate measurement of doing something to make sure he would never come back. I knew I didn’t have the courage or self-love to leave the toxic relationship so I made it that he wouldn’t come back. Its been four months since I called off the wedding. I am starting to slowly feel that there is life without him. Unfortunately, I still think a lot about him but hoping that will subside soon too.

    Your intuition is always right. It’s your subconscious telling you to listen to logic and not act on emotions.

    • JJ,

      you are more courageous and brave than you realize. You have just made one of the best decisions that you’ll ever make in your life and I am 100% confident that one day you will look back on your actions and see how important a role they played in finding the love you really want..and deserve!

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