30 Days From Hell!
Several years ago I was miserable. And that’s with a capital M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E.
It was 30 days before I was scheduled to walk down the aisle. It was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. But it wasn’t. In fact, it was one of the worst times of my life.
There was a part of me that knew I was making a HUGE mistake. And I had felt that way for a long time. But there was a part of me that was in denial. In fact, my fiancee and I were both in denial.
We both really cared for each other and we both wanted the same thing, but the truth is we were not a good match for each other. And deep down I knew this. But I was so lost and confused and there was part of me that didn’t’ want to admit what everyone else knew. if we were to get married it would be a HUGE mistake.
The Wedding is Off!
I won’t go into the details of how it happened but with less than 4 weeks to go before the wedding my ex-fiancee and I both came to our senses and called off the wedding. It was a very difficult and painful decision but deep down we both knew it was the right decision. I wish I could say it was an easy decision and dealing with the after effects of that decision was easy. But the truth was it sucked. (can you imagine going to your mailbox and getting RSVP’s from your friends and family members and then having to call them that same day to tell them that the wedding is off.)
Mirror Time – An Expensive Learning Lesson
After calling off the wedding I knew I had to make an even bigger decision. I could let the failed engagement ruin me and make me bitter or I could choose to learn from it. And since I had a close family member who ruined her life because of how she got “screwed” I knew which option I was going to pick.
So I decided to take some time off to take a good look in the mirror. I decided to go back and look at my relationship with my ex and I wanted to see what I could learn from it. Because you see, I wasn’t ready to give up on love. I had seen too many people do that. I had seen them grow old and bitter because of their pasts. I had seen them close themselves off to the possibility of finding love again because they were too committed to holding on to the pain of their past. And I had seen too many people who had a hard time trusting again because of how they had been burned. I didn’t want to be one of those individuals.
So I made a decision. I promised myself that I could live in the past and I could let it define me or I could use it as an expensive learning lesson designed to teach me what I had to do differently.
The Gift is In the Struggle
I learned a lot about myself during my self imposed sabbatical but one of the biggest things I learned was that I was partly responsible for my circumstances. When I got honest and real with myself I discovered that I should have never been in a relationship with my ex. It was clear from the beginning that we weren’t a good fit for each other. The red flags were there from the very beginning but because of my desire to get married and have a family of my own, I ignored those red flags or I made excuses for them.
The Biggest Myth
You see, there’s this myth out there that men don’t want or need love. That we can’t commit to a woman. We don’t want to get married and that it’s in our genes to run wild and sow our seeds amongst the female population.
And while this may be true for a large population of the male species (you will come to know these selfish, immature, emotionally unavailable guys as “boys”) it is not true for a a large population of guys who have no problem with these things (You will come to know these guys as “MEN”).
I never had a problem with commitment or being faithful to a woman, as long as it was a woman that I wanted to be with. And in fact, the reason I entered into and stayed in a relationship with my ex was because I wanted to be married and have a family of my own.
My dad died from a horrible 4 year battle with cancer when I was 15 and his death left a HUGE void in my life. And I used my relationship with my ex as an unhealthy way to fill up that void. I thought that if we were to get married and I could have a son of my own that I could get back the love and happiness that had been missing since my dad had passed away.
Boy, I Was Wrong!
Unfortunately, the more I tried to make my ex happy and the more I tried to make the relationship work, the more unhappy I became. It was like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.
In fact, this was one of my biggest takeaways from my experience. I learned that you can never be truly happy and fulfilled in a relationship if you give and give and don’t get your needs met. You see, I thought that by showing up and being there for my ex and doing everything I could to make the relationship work, I was doing the right thing. But I was wrong. In fact, it was the realization that no matter what one person says and does if they are not getting they’re needs met, the relationship will never lead to the happy and fulfilling experience that they really want.
After doing some reflecting on my past relationship (and my prior relationships) I decided to make an agreement with myself. I promised myself that I would never ask another woman to marry me and be my wife if that woman could not give me the things I needed to be happy.
I’ve since come to call these things “Essential Needs™” and they are at the core of my Checklist For Love Process™. Some call these Essential Needs deal breakers, must haves and inner most desires. And truth be told the name doesn’t really matter, but what matters is finding a mate who can naturally meet your needs in such a way that makes you consistently feel happy and fulfilled…in and out of the bedroom!
From Dating Mess to Relationship Success
As a result of getting clear on my Checklist for Love™ and putting myself out there with my new awareness, my love life turned around and It turned around quickly. I went from a person who hardly dated and who hatted all of the games, drama and B.S of dating to being a guy who was dating multiple women at once (NOTE***I was dating them, not sleeping with them).
I started getting better results in my love life and I actually found the dating process easier and more enjoyable. Within a few short months my attitude and outlook changed (probably because I was getting better results) and then one magical September day it happened, I got an e-mail from the woman who was to become my wife, best friend, lover and the mother of my children.
The GPS For Love™
As I look back over that time in my life I see that there was a force much bigger than me which was dictating my journey. Now I am not going to go into my beliefs ( I call that force God/Universe) but I will tell you that this force was orchestrating the whole damn thing. And I see that this force was causing me to go through all of it so that I could be sharing this with you today.
From Chiropractor to Ambassador of Love
You see this journey wasn’t part of my “plan”. I didn’t got to school to help others find love and create amazing relationships. I went to school to be a chiropractor and I practiced for over 17 years. But no matter how successful my chiropractic practice may have looked from the outside there was always a part of me on the inside that knew something was missing.
It’s been a strange and interesting journey but ultimately I learned that my true mission and purpose in life is to help others find LOVE. Now I’m not talking “love” that most people refer to (I love my dog, I love pizza and I love the guy whose a jerk and making my life miserable). No, I’m talking about love with a capital L.O.V.E., the kind that warms your heart and fills every cell of your body with a sense of lasting happiness and fulfillment.
That is the love you were designed for. that is the love we all are designed for. But the sad truth is only a small percentage of people will ever get to experience that kind of love in their lifetime. Not because it wasn’t possible. But because they made it harder on themselves to have it.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
So, as I write this today I want to invite you on a journey, a journey which is designed to help you find the love you really want…and deserve. But in this journey you are at the wheel. It is your responsibility to turn right when it’s time to turn right. Because if you are being told to turn right and you decide to turn left you will continue to make it much more difficult to reach your destination.
The good news it there is a GPS for Love™ that the universe has made available to you to help you find what you are looking for. And this navigation system will continue to assist you. It will continue to get you back on course, even when you mess up. So there is no more need to be afraid, as long as you are willing to open your mind and your heart and you are willing to trust the GPS you will get to your destination, it’s simply a matter of when.
Buckle Up! It’s gonna be a fun ride!